When you are thinking “Oh, how much I hate spam” (does anybody ever actually think “I want spam”?), and you want to exact some of your own spam revenge, your thoughts may turn to becoming a spam killer. But others vent through more gentile avenues, such as spam haiku, spam poetry or, this, penning the ultimate junk email.
Let’s face it, the average spammer’s IQ is inversely proportional to the amount of spam they send out. Imagine if someone really clever and intelligent did it?
At first I thought that the below was just another cute attempt to lampoon spam. But by the end of the first paragraph, I knew that this was a masterpiece. All that’s missing is a reference to Gevalia to make this one the quintessential uh… exspample:
This is excerpted with permission from the author, Brian Sack, of The Banterist:
The World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Email
The Internet Patrol is completely free, and reader-supported. Your tips via CashApp, Venmo, or Paypal are appreciated! Receipts will come from ISIPP.
CashApp us
Venmo us
Paypal us
Good afternoon. My name is Ethics T. Foreclosure. I am a former account supervisor of Mr. Charles Mbobo who recently reached his ideal weight thanks to Hoodia, the miracle root from Africa. I received your contact information via Plaxo.
Regrettably the news I bring is not as enjoyable as a celebrity ringtone or barnyard orgy. In fact, if this news upsets you, you may want to try the discreet online pharmacy for prescription-free Xanax.
Unfortunately I have to report that Mr. Mbobo was killed in a terrible car accident. Although he usually spent most of his time making $15,000 in 30 days from the home he purchased with his pre-approved mortgage, he was in the free car he won as a result of participating in a nationwide ice cream survey. Sadly, Mr. Mbobo, his wife, and his two hot webcam girls were killed in the accident – a circumstance which can not be reversed like baldness can with an herbal cure. Mr. Mbobo’s amazing replica Rolex was destroyed in the accident, and to make matters worse he had not taken advantage of a free auto insurance quote.
Mr. Mbobo had recently won the international lottery, which excited him more than discount Ephedra. He had planned to use the additional money to purchase shares of Koko Petroleum (KKPT.PK), a hot, undiscovered gem of a stock I would encourage you to purchase immediately. His funds, including monies received from his advance payday loan and $250 Old Navy Gift Card, were located in an account valued at $45 Million (US Dollars). These funds are currently in an account in Liberia. You needn’t have earned your degree online to realize that Liberia is suffering from civil strife and as a result bulk ink cartridges are as hard to come by as Cialis soft tabs. The government can not be trusted with finances or complimentary platinum cards, just as surely as your PayPal account has been compromised.
There’s even more, and it’s all just as funny, and you can read the entire “World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Email” here.
The Internet Patrol is completely free, and reader-supported. Your tips via CashApp, Venmo, or Paypal are appreciated! Receipts will come from ISIPP.
CashApp us
Venmo us
Paypal us
spam this email please
“gentile avenues” – as opposed to Jewish boulevards???
” you can read the entire “World’s Most Comprehensive Junk Emailâ€? here.”
No I can’t, I get the message:
“Forbidden
You don’t have permission to access /archivefiles/000302.html on this server.
Additionally, a 403 Forbidden error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.”