And while I agree with Russell that there is a difference between “cyber love” and “cyber sex”, I view cyber sex (with someone your not in love with) to be on par with masturbation, meaning pretty much harmless if it is not interfering with the real life relationship.
Look at it this way, if one person is not able to see their partner(s) for an extended period of time, and chooses to find a little sexual relief by having cyber sex with some random stranger in a chat room, who is harmed? Is it in any way different then running the same scene through their brain while picturing the hottie they saw walking down the street? For all they know they are chatting with a ‘bot.

Is *any* kind of sex outside of marriage really “cheating” if your spouse “knows about it and is OK with it”? The phrasing of the question implies that this is something particular to cybersex. But I voted for that choice because I don’t see how anything could be considered “cheating” if your spouse lets you :)

Please consider that there are people who thrive within consensual,honest nonmonogamous relationships. Therefore, comparing this legitimate preference to a disease (or to a disease-causing agent) is at least problematic, and at worst offensive.

Any relationship choice that is outside the social norm faces a lot of pressures that conventional relationships do not. In my experience, people who do conform to social norms in their relationships tend to underestimate those pressures — and thus perpetuate them.

Also, monogamy has never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce. Although it’s held up by our society as the ideal, in practice it often fails to deliver or satisfy. In fact, a good argument can be made that making monogamy the societal default for committed intimate relationships is a recipe for dishonesty, broken homes, and rampant dissatisfaction.

It all depends on how you look at it. And that’s my point: there are very different and valid ways to look at the issue of monogamy. The wording of this poll and its lengthy setup does not appear to recognize that.

- Amy Gahran

Here’s what I mean: smoking often causes cancer and heart disease, but not everyone who smokes will get one of those diseases.

Similarly, open marriages (real or virtual) are possible, but in most cases they end up in divorce because one spouse becomes a little too attached to a third partner.

So, just like it’s usually a bad idea to smoke because of the risks associated with it, I believe it’s generally a bad idea to introduce swinging to the marriage.

Doesn’t mean swinging (or in this case cybersex) is bad per se, just risky to the overall health of the marriage.

I cringe when I see polls like that, because of the assumptions they imply. First of all, that all marriages are necessarily monogamous (many aren’t, by mutual agreement and consent); that anything other than absolute monogamy is “cheating” (a very loaded word); and that the only committed relationships that “count” are marriages.

Also, you really go to far with this: “ask just about anyone which bothers them more - the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse.”

Actually for many people (especially those of us who are polyamorous), that statement is completely false. Wording it the way you did only serves to further marginalize people who prefer, and thrive in, consensual, committed relationships that don’t match the social norm.

Given the loaded setup you gave this poll, I really don’t think tacking on the answer options “Not if they know and are ok with it” and
“Maybe, it depends on the situation” do much to offset the way your setup feeds stereotypes and bigotry toward nonconventional relationships. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it needed to be said.

Respectfully,

- Amy Gahran