Is Having Cyber Sex Cheating if You are Married? - 28,548 Views, 28 Comments
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of a million people who read it Cyber sex - having online sex talk where you describe in detail what you are doing to each other - has been around as long as the Internet itself. It used to be ‘just’ talk - sending steamy text in chat rooms or talk programs. But with the advent of virtual worlds like Second Life, it’s a lot more than ‘just’ talk. And even if it is just talk - if you are married, is having cybersex the same as cheating on your wife or husband? We say “yes” and you get to answer the question too, with our survey at the end! Let me qualify our position on this by saying that in addition to our involvement now with all things Internet related, and Internet policy, we have been involved with the online relationship question since before most people were on the Internet. I myself have been the moderator for online relationship forums starting back with PeopleLink and Qlink (systems into which you had to dial in, before there was ubiquitous Internet), and even back then, the question came up quite regularly. Here’s the thing: ask just about anyone which bothers them more - the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse. Many can forgive, for example, a one night stand sort of fling, where it’s just meaningless sex, but few can as easily brush off an emotional involvement with another woman or man. Emotional involvements take more than time away from the marriage; emotional involvements take attention away from the marriage. Instead of focusing on working on the marriage, the spouse who is emotionally involved with someone else finds their feelings and attention focused on the person with whom they are having the affair. While they may still be at home physically, they have emotionally checked out of the marriage. And this is just as true for a cyber affair as it is for an in-person affair. People who have online affairs imagine themselves in love with people they have never met in person. They spend hours talking to them online, they exchange pictures, they send flowers and gifts. They even leave their spouse for people they have never yet met. So yes, in our opinion, no matter how much one may wish to delude themselves otherwise, having cyber sex is just as much cheating on your mate as if you did the deed in person. As one cheated-on spouse, whose wife was having sex online with other men in Everquest explained, “She was so sexual and available to several guys online while she put me on the shelf. At one point, she had even told me that I would get more intimacy if I would stop objecting to the guys online. She had also said that if I wanted more attention from her, I should take some lessons from the online guys… It was bad.” But let’s hear from you! What do you think? Is having cyber sex cheating?
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I’ve told you this privately, but I’m really disappointed that you decided to run this poll.
I cringe when I see polls like that, because of the assumptions they imply. First of all, that all marriages are necessarily monogamous (many aren’t, by mutual agreement and consent); that anything other than absolute monogamy is “cheating” (a very loaded word); and that the only committed relationships that “count” are marriages.
Also, you really go to far with this: “ask just about anyone which bothers them more - the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse.”
Actually for many people (especially those of us who are polyamorous), that statement is completely false. Wording it the way you did only serves to further marginalize people who prefer, and thrive in, consensual, committed relationships that don’t match the social norm.
Given the loaded setup you gave this poll, I really don’t think tacking on the answer options “Not if they know and are ok with it” and
“Maybe, it depends on the situation” do much to offset the way your setup feeds stereotypes and bigotry toward nonconventional relationships. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it needed to be said.
Respectfully,
- Amy Gahran
Comment by Amy Gahran — 1/14/2008 @ 7:55 am
While I agree that not all marriages are or should be monogamous, I also think it’s kind of like smoking and cancer.
Here’s what I mean: smoking often causes cancer and heart disease, but not everyone who smokes will get one of those diseases.
Similarly, open marriages (real or virtual) are possible, but in most cases they end up in divorce because one spouse becomes a little too attached to a third partner.
So, just like it’s usually a bad idea to smoke because of the risks associated with it, I believe it’s generally a bad idea to introduce swinging to the marriage.
Doesn’t mean swinging (or in this case cybersex) is bad per se, just risky to the overall health of the marriage.
Comment by Derek Scruggs — 1/14/2008 @ 10:20 am
Derek, I respect you as well.
Please consider that there are people who thrive within consensual,honest nonmonogamous relationships. Therefore, comparing this legitimate preference to a disease (or to a disease-causing agent) is at least problematic, and at worst offensive.
Any relationship choice that is outside the social norm faces a lot of pressures that conventional relationships do not. In my experience, people who do conform to social norms in their relationships tend to underestimate those pressures — and thus perpetuate them.
Also, monogamy has never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce. Although it’s held up by our society as the ideal, in practice it often fails to deliver or satisfy. In fact, a good argument can be made that making monogamy the societal default for committed intimate relationships is a recipe for dishonesty, broken homes, and rampant dissatisfaction.
It all depends on how you look at it. And that’s my point: there are very different and valid ways to look at the issue of monogamy. The wording of this poll and its lengthy setup does not appear to recognize that.
- Amy Gahran
Comment by Amy Gahran — 1/14/2008 @ 11:12 am
One of the vote choices raises an interesting question:
“Is having cyber sex (online sex) cheating on your spouse or mate?”
“Not if they know and are ok with it.”
Is *any* kind of sex outside of marriage really “cheating” if your spouse “knows about it and is OK with it”? The phrasing of the question implies that this is something particular to cybersex. But I voted for that choice because I don’t see how anything could be considered “cheating” if your spouse lets you :)
Comment by Bennett Haselton — 1/14/2008 @ 12:05 pm
Not surprisingly, I’m with Amy on this one. Not only has monogamy “never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce,” as Amy points out, but statistically, more monogamous marriages fail than succeed. So I disagree that the comparison between smoking as risky behavior and practicing nonmonogamy as risky behavior is accurate. The risky behavior here is being in a relationship at all–any committed relationship requires a high level of honesty, constant work and emotional commitment, no matter what the configuration. Let that go, and yes, your partner, whether monogamous or poly, will probably drift away and find someone else as the miscommunications between you mount.
Comment by Minx — 1/15/2008 @ 6:48 am
You are smashing 2 issues into one questions. What you are describing at length is what I think should be termed “cyber love”. Cyber sex to me is what you originally described, 2 people talking about and describing sexual fantasies and actions to another. Cyber love would be cheating and a clear indication that the marriage is over. Cyber sex is another form of pr0n and indicates that there are problems in the marriage. That means your survey is misleading in many ways. IMHO:-)
Comment by Russell — 1/15/2008 @ 4:36 pm
How many people are still with the first person they had a long term relationship with? My guess is next to zero.
Does the number really change if you group the people by poly vs mono, straight vs bi vs homo, christian vs any/all other religions vs no religion, or any other grouping? I doubt it.
And while I agree with Russell that there is a difference between “cyber love” and “cyber sex”, I view cyber sex (with someone your not in love with) to be on par with masturbation, meaning pretty much harmless if it is not interfering with the real life relationship.
Look at it this way, if one person is not able to see their partner(s) for an extended period of time, and chooses to find a little sexual relief by having cyber sex with some random stranger in a chat room, who is harmed? Is it in any way different then running the same scene through their brain while picturing the hottie they saw walking down the street? For all they know they are chatting with a ‘bot.
Comment by Ken Girard — 1/21/2008 @ 5:08 pm
It’s happening to me right now! I feel hurt, mad and abused. I just had one of my breast removed and all of a sudden my 36-years of devotion to him does not matter. The new cyber woman is all he cares about. Exchanges pictures, gifts, email cards every day it does not stop. I even e-mailed her to leave him alone but she doesn’t care either she enjoys the cyber sex with him & will not give him up
I told him to stop but he says he is doing nothing wrong Well it makes me sick he should be there for me like I have been there for him all these years.
Comment by CAROL — 2/6/2008 @ 5:53 pm
where is the harm,huh? when he obviously aint don juan himself,able 2 satisfy any n every woman someone is gonna anticlimax while waitin 4 his attention to return.well he aint superman either so u pay 4 the ‘fun’ w unfufilled needs. his ‘innosent game’ leaves u w/o 4 real. who’s gettin it? would u, if not u?
Comment by queenofthedamned — 2/26/2008 @ 11:43 am
take it,that is?
Comment by queenofthedamned — 2/26/2008 @ 11:59 am
Having an online affair CAN be more damaging than a one night stand. I say this because if you have a one night stand, it happends and it is done. An online affair that lasts for a while, a month, two months or longer is far more damaging to the relationship. As time progresses in that type of relationship, your spouse will open up more and more and will eventually lead to real life phone calls, picture swapping, sending of gifts and ultimatly, the meet-up.
This happened to me when I went away for three months last summer. My wife was talking to a guy online for about 18 hours a day, flirting, turned into having all out sex in chat and in Second Life. They called each other swapped pictures and talked about meeting up. It was so bad when I returned home and found out about it, my wife would be on her laptop and when I came near her, she would close the laptop down. It is password protected too so I had no idea what she was saying and doing.
Anyone who thinks online affaris are not cheating, has not had it happen to them. I would have much rather my wife had a one night stand and been done with it. But now, all I can think about is how she could spend so much time with the guy online talking about practically nothing but sex and wanting to meet up in real life all the while she was totally repulsed by me.
Comment by unacknowledged — 6/1/2008 @ 7:55 am
Actually I met my husband on an internet sex site and we “did” each other online. Now let me say this - because we are in different countries we have had to be seperated for a small part of the time and I have found that he did continue to have internet sex online after we were married and as a matter of fact so did I. Once we are together permanately then all cybersex will cease for both of us. I could consider this cheating as it does involve an emotional attachment. My husband deleted all his online contacts except for one who he has told me about and they no longer have cypersex she knows about us and that we are married I know this because I saw the chat between them. My internet connection and I have continued to have internet sex during my seperation and he also knows I got married and he knows it will cease when my husband and I are togeter even though I have become emotionally attacted to this person I do want to give all my energy to my husband and not someone online. So for the future if ether one of us becomes reinvolved with our internet connections or make new ones then YES it will be considered cheating! This is something that needs to be addressed with your spouses and talked about, come to an agreement with each other if it is consenual then it can be monitored by each other. Communication is the key - if you both “get off” on this then go for it as it might enhance your own sex life - I do NOT consider it cheating if you both are in agreement. So there are two side to this internet sex thing…it can go either way as long as it does not take away from your own sexual satisfaction with your partner.
Comment by jackie — 7/31/2008 @ 4:34 am
Yes I do believe having cyber sex is cheating in fact I left my wife for it I condemn anybody who does this stuff it hurts terribly I found out this was going on before I got married and I found the emails and instants messages I found one on july 1 and I got married june 28 of last year! Needless to say my marriage only lasted about three months if that
Comment by shane — 2/1/2009 @ 2:06 pm
even looking upon another with lust is cheating! ENUFF SAID
Comment by SARAH DARNELL — 4/23/2009 @ 5:09 am
I’m not married or in a relationship at the moment, but the only real difference between cybersex and “real” sex is physical presence — so YES, it is cheating.
Comment by Bryan — 4/24/2009 @ 8:52 am
Yes, I do believe that cyber sex is cheating if married especially when you are doing it with the same person all the time. I would rather accept a one night stand or cyber sex with a random person than with a constant one. Like most comments before, emotional attachments is harder to resist than physical, for the latter, one can just take a shower and be done with it-body heat.
Comment by myk8ts — 5/14/2009 @ 5:23 am
I believe it is the same as porn, so its a bit more personalized…as long as their is no emotional attachment, then what is the difference between watching a porn and getting off, or cybering to get off? If it starts to interfear with your marraige than, yes, it can be a problem, but if it doesnt…its just words, its just fantasy…just like a porn…
Comment by Someone — 9/14/2009 @ 9:52 pm
When you enter into a marriage, it is you and another person promising to stay faithful and be with just you for the rest of your life. The breakdown of marriage is the reason behind so many troubled children today, since sex is regarded as just a physical deed to feel good. Cyber sex is no different. As a victim of the cybering spouse, I can vouch that it makes the other person feel worthless, violated, and it turns into an emotional rollercoaster. If you are not OK being in a monogamous, respectful, trusting relationship, then why would you get married? There is a major difference between porn and cybersex…porn is just watched and has no attachment. When cybering you control the situation to go where you want it to go, which is personal. With the breakdown of marriage comes the breakdown of society.
Comment by Katy — 11/6/2009 @ 10:15 am
It’s not good, but it’s not cheating.
Comment by Simply Indonesia — 11/11/2009 @ 8:36 pm
I just found out my bf has been having cyber sex w/ his ex who is married. I understand that there is history between them and I never denied their relationship. He told me they cut all ties and communication months ago but I found out that he was still emailing her all these past months. He rejects me when I want sex. We only had sex 3 times and all times I initiated it. He asks her to visit him while he goes away for work. I live with him, WAS living with him and now I understand why the relationship couldn’t move forward. Sure, I caught him emailing her one day months ago when I came home from work, I let it go. I thought it was just a “keep in touch” kind of a thing. But it wasn’t that kind of an email. When he is saying to meet me, can’t wait to see you when you come home for Christmas, it was cold tonight and I had no one waiting in bed for me…what I was to feel? What am I chump change?!?! He tells me she is married and she is not going to leave her husband. It’s just his addiction. I just don’t know. He told me they stopped all communication. To top if off, this girl has caused a lot of grief to him in the past. I cannot understand how he continues to live in a fantasy after she continually hurt in the past, when he had me in reality, right there by him everyday. I moved my stuff out and now, he says “I’m the bad one.” After having that “no good” feeling inside, I now know why. He is still emotionally attached to her.
Comment by Hurt — 11/21/2009 @ 11:42 pm
Ms Hurt, I feel for you as my husband keeps going online searching. I honestly believe it is an addiction and as yet I have not found him “online” with the same person, he is just having fun (as he puts it). Well he is having fun with real people and real people have feelings and can get hurt. The online group of ladies looking for “love” is enormous and they believe they can fine it. But when they run into someone like my husband who pretends he is not married but is just having fun well they will get hurt. Then there is the possibility that he will find someone he like better than me. You were wise to leave him and go on with your life as there are other fish in the sea!
Comment by Jackie — 11/27/2009 @ 12:37 pm
I had just recently found out my wife is having cyber sex with a guy on myspace. She is texting on blackberry with him and uses her laptop at work to get on line. This has been going on for nearly one month, the extent of it is around 16 pages of subject lines in her myspace inbox by one and the same guy. Yes, I snooped. She doesn’t know yet that I have the details - it just tears me apart!
The content is most detailed and steamy - and it is not because I won’t give her what she needs! Right after having sex with me, she gets it on with this guy! Right after exchanging e-mails (while she is at work) she is on line with him! My gut is just churning and heaving, my head is spinning and I have no idea what I do next. WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
I feel like running out into the arctic cold right now and let myself freeze to death!
Comment by Otto — 12/8/2009 @ 3:21 pm
I too just found out my husband was cybering. He called it just a game. He lied about it too. I flat out asked him if he was cybering with this woman two weeks ago. He replied no. Found out different last night. He feels that it meant nothing and was no big deal. It does mean something. Like all the others who have had this happen to them, it makes you feel worthless, betrayed and heart broken. So yes, cyber sex is cheating.
Comment by Hurt Wife — 12/9/2009 @ 1:54 pm
If emotions are involved it’s cheating. If you are exchanging pics and gifts it’s cheating. If there is a webcam, it’s cheating. If it leads to talking on the phone or meeting it’s cheating. But what if you don’t know the persons age, where they live, what they look like, but your just typing words? What if you have no plans to take in any further than words and these fantasy sessions do not interfere with your life in any way? Yes, it can be addictive, like porn, or any addction, but if it’s not addictive, is it cheating? I don’t think so. it’s just a fantasy. Yes there is a real person on the other end, but there’s no real connection. You each make up a fantasy about your age, your appearance, and you go to a beach in your imagination and have some pleasure. It’s like porn, but it’s controlled and interactive, so better than porn in some ways. You have no physical image of the person to focus on, but the imagination is powerful. And since it’s all imaginary, how can it be cheating?
Comment by Fantasy Guy — 12/16/2009 @ 8:05 am
I just think people need to grow up. My Spouse and I play Secondlife like a game.
We are both partnered with other avatars and are aware of what goes on with our secondlives. We have set a groundwork of rules that are not to be violated with no exceptions that prevent us to shared personal information such as: email, phone numbers, address or any other online accounts like Myspace,Facebook or Twitter. All communication must stay within secondlife. Also, we are friends with each others partner and travel the secondlife grid going dancing etc. Ofcourse, Part of partnership there will be the RP (roleplay) of love making. You should not be playing Secondlife or any other virtual app If you get emotions over an avatar. It’s a game…grow up. Not real. Also, You have to realize the other person you talk with will tell you what you want to hear.
P.S. This is coming from a couple who is married in Real life for over 18+ years.
Comment by The SL Dude — 12/29/2009 @ 6:41 am
SL Dude: this is all good and well, but you don’t get the point: the problem is sneaking behind your partners back. You have a consesus, and if we had talked over such, then we may have come to a similar arrangement. But as it played out, it was on the sneak, it was lying, cheating and denying. That on top of previous moralizing and exhorting me to never do anything like that, then I find out that this is just what she was doing!
Comment by Otto — 12/29/2009 @ 12:05 pm
AKISSNWINK from Match.com, formerly Nascentlove2008 - is addicted to online/cyber sex, in addition to being on countless Dating/Porn Sites where he finds women to scam. Tells his woman of the moment he is nocturnal just checking ‘news’ reading ‘articles’ till he gets tired RIGHT. . .
Comment by Wiser Now — 4/12/2010 @ 10:31 am
From your opening post:
“As one cheated-on spouse, whose wife was having sex online with other men in Everquest explained, “She was so sexual and available to several guys online while she put me on the shelf. At one point, she had even told me that I would get more intimacy if I would stop objecting to the guys online. She had also said that if I wanted more attention from her, I should take some lessons from the online guys… It was bad.””
As a man whose been engaging in cyber-sexual relationships for almost two decades I can tell you I find the above comment ludicrous.
There is no ‘one size fits all’ cyber-sexual relationship. Any stereotypes used to reference them are just that - stereotypes - aka BS.
The women I have met, befriended and engaged with online have all been beneficiaries of the experience. Read that: They GAINED from the interaction. In many cases their spouses did too.
Far too many marriages out there have gone stale over time. Or one or the other of the spouses are inexperienced and not able to meet their partners needs. Where better to garner sexual experience than in a ’safe-sex’ relationship with someone they will most likely never meet in real life?
Women who are shy and inhibited IRL can be lascivious and bold in a cyber-sex relationship. They can explore their sexuality and learn to open up and come to accept their sexual selves and their sexual appetite as being normal and healthy.
Husbands who discover their wives are engaged in online sex will indeed have their territorial sensitivities provoked. It’s rarely palatable to discover that your wife is engaged in erotic sexual fantasy role-playing with another partner.
The fact that the role-playing can become addictive presents another challenge that can be difficult to overcome.
But… in my personal experience the vast majority of online relationships eventually run their course. Marriages need not end over them. In fact they can and often do make a marriage stronger when the offended partner recovers enough to realize that no strange male has physically penetrated his wife.
What HAS been penetrated is her imagination and her sense of her sexual self - including the many pleasures that can be had when inhibitions are released.
The poor slob who made the comment in that quote listed above is clearly a man who thinks his inexperienced wife was better off remaining that way - and that somehow his devotion to monogamy would eventually and miraculously bring him the skills he required to attend to her needs.
In either case where monogamy is the preferred practice and no outside sexual experience is allowed to enter the picture? Without some form of safe sexual fantasy such as the kind afforded by a healthy and caring online cyber-sex relationship?
It ain’t gonna happen.
Comment by Mercedes — 4/21/2010 @ 9:34 am