Is Having Cyber Sex Cheating if You are Married?

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Cyber sex – having online sex talk where you describe in detail what you are doing to each other – has been around as long as the Internet itself. It used to be ‘just’ talk – sending steamy text in chat rooms or talk programs. But with the advent of virtual worlds like Second Life, it’s a lot more than ‘just’ talk. And even if it is just talk – if you are married, is having cybersex the same as cheating on your wife or husband? We say “yes” and you get to answer the question too, with our survey at the end!

Let me qualify our position on this by saying that in addition to our involvement now with all things Internet related, and Internet policy, we have been involved with the online relationship question since before most people were on the Internet. I myself have been the moderator for online relationship forums starting back with PeopleLink and Qlink (systems into which you had to dial in, before there was ubiquitous Internet), and even back then, the question came up quite regularly.

Here’s the thing: ask just about anyone which bothers them more – the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse. Many can forgive, for example, a one night stand sort of fling, where it’s just meaningless sex, but few can as easily brush off an emotional involvement with another woman or man. Emotional involvements take more than time away from the marriage; emotional involvements take attention away from the marriage. Instead of focusing on working on the marriage, the spouse who is emotionally involved with someone else finds their feelings and attention focused on the person with whom they are having the affair. While they may still be at home physically, they have emotionally checked out of the marriage.

And this is just as true for a cyber affair as it is for an in-person affair.

People who have online affairs imagine themselves in love with people they have never met in person. They spend hours talking to them online, they exchange pictures, they send flowers and gifts. They even leave their spouse for people they have never yet met.

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So yes, in our opinion, no matter how much one may wish to delude themselves otherwise, having cyber sex is just as much cheating on your mate as if you did the deed in person.

As one cheated-on spouse, whose wife was having sex online with other men in Everquest explained, “She was so sexual and available to several guys online while she put me on the shelf. At one point, she had even told me that I would get more intimacy if I would stop objecting to the guys online. She had also said that if I wanted more attention from her, I should take some lessons from the online guys… It was bad.”

But let’s hear from you! What do you think? Is having cyber sex cheating?

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65 thoughts on “Is Having Cyber Sex Cheating if You are Married?

  1. You know that he is cheating still you want more proof ?
    Here are some tips :
    The easiest is to see his phone ( the call list, messages, Facebook, Twitter,Whatssap, Snapchat messages) wherever a person can have private messages needs to be checked.
    But if his phone is password protected and you cannot access it you have to hire a hacker because that is what I did and I got everything diverted from his cellphone directly to mine without touching it.
    I noticed how much secrecy he maintained with his phone so I decided that the photo gallery and emails and virtually everything needed to be checked.

  2. I believe it is cheating so long as the partner does not know or understand what is going on. It is not cheating if you engage in these activities together. Having been on both ends of the spectrum. I found out my Wife had a 2 month Cyber Affair with mostly one man but there were two others that got a little. This really hurt me not that she was having cyber sex but the fact that she didn’t come to me and tell me what was going on. I felt betrayed and hurt. I cried for several days. It wasn’t that she was cybering that I could care less about it was over the fact that she didn’t come to me and tell me she needed this and chose to intentionally do it behind my back. I noticed the change because at first she was really mean to me all the time then out of nowhere she was always craving sex and making videos of us. I didn’t know she was taking those videos and giving them out to her online master who wanted her to do it. She took one of my fantasy’s and without my knowledge she was doing it because another man told her to do it and gave a copy to him. This hurt more than anything the betrayal and loss of trust. She lied to me multiple times when I confronted her about it however I am an IT guy who can find all if it is out there. She ultimately called it off with the guy two months prior to me finding out.

    How I initially found out was while backing up an old hard drive a few months later I found a video I didn’t recognize and upon investigating the nightmare began. I found out that she had over 40 different videos between Skype, Snap Chat, and Discord shared with one particular individual. It went so far as my mother was visiting and I heard us talking in the other room while she was snapping pictures of herself for this guy. I even read messages where she said brb husband is coming then continued after the coast was clear. In this case this was very much cheating. I was devastated,

    My wife let me know that she enjoys voyeurism and being naughty having some stranger tell her what to do. She disclosed all their conversations which I read over 100 page novel of mostly some other guy telling her what to do. There was no physical attraction or even mental attraction she just enjoyed being told what to do. Ultimately I had to make a decision. Did I want to support my wife or were we done. I made the decision to support my wife. I believe if they do it once it will happen again. I don’t care who the person is it will happen again. We made a decision we decided to have this same sort of relationship together with others in private over the internet together. I am doing this because I am no longer the odd guy out who is being cheated on behind my back. Instead I am now apart of her voyeurism and fantasy. We made an agreement we wrote down our rules. We followed this up with a promise to each other to only do it when we are together. She gave me permission to look over all her chat logs and personal information anytime I want to regardless of reason. Most importantly we promised that we would never do it again without the others permission. We would always do it together. Funny thing is I believe that having this more open relationship will bring the trust back eventually.

    We asked the gentleman she was unfaithful with to delete all the videos she gave him and explained our new rules. We will cyber but there will be no recorded videos of us everything will be live an in the moment. We will do it together. Since then we have found several others both women an men who are more than willing to have the same sort of relationship. I personally have never had more sex and intimacy with my wife then when we can be a little naughty together.

    This is no longer cheating as we are being faithful to each other but still allowing others to voyeur us. Interestingly we aren’t really attracted to the other persons. We just enjoy playing knowing that somebody else is watching us going crazy and asking for favors.

    There is no way to know for certain if the guy actually deleted all the videos I am aware. But we asked him to remove all the videos from snapchat and a few moments later they disappeared. We asked him to delete all the videos on his computer and he snap chatted us him deleting them and emptying his recycle bin.

    I am fairly confident that most of all the videos were deleted. I don’t believe he deleted all of them but I have to live wit that and move on as my wife is my world and I am hers.

    Cheating is any time someone does something behind your back in a way that is purposely unfaithful and hiding it from their significant other. Having an agreement is not cheating.

  3. i have had cybersex with a nice man I met like 4 yrs ago and still friends..he states he is engaged we don’t have cyber sex anymore…but I don’t hear from him much, though he still keeps me as a friend on facebook, wondering why does he not delete me? in the mean time another friend I knew for a couple of years on facebook, we had cybersex for first time last weekend..was nice but after awhile I feel like its stupid, dirty…oh btw I am married..hubby and I don’t have sex anymore he has health problems but we are doing well all considered since he still loves me and do other stuff together..kiss and hug is all…I think I miss the attention and sex of I cybersex with these two friends..i am feeling guilty and feel like my friend might be getting serious about me wants to see me all the time…I am thinking of telling him its over…feeling bad I might hurt his feelings..but honestly I think its for the best…any advise or feedback on this would be appreciated :)

  4. I believe it is cheating. My husband was having cybersex with a much younger woman and I found out. It was horrible the things that were said back and fourth thtough their emails. I stayed with him but there have been other lies along the way. This is my 3rd marriage and were in our 50s and I forgave him but just have no trust anymore. He says he will never hurt me again but I really dont believe that. Am I wrong to stay?

  5. I got married recently. and all my husband could think of was rushing back home to watch porn and have cyber sex on his laptop.this have been going on for months it is freaking me out and I don’t know what to do I love him and we have been together for almost 12 years.

  6. MIKE
    YES. I believe it is. in my case I found out about this from a mistake my wife made , she forgot to close facebook.this was going on for a number of months,but I think the most troubling thing about this is, she protect this other she sorry,its over etc .can one believe, but the bigger problem I think is that this other person uses facebook poker site to locate woman to engage in this,which lead me to believe person is a predator, beware of person from west Virginia ed c

  7. My husband has been having cybersex for the past 15 years.
    This is the second time I caught him. He insists it is just words but I feel heartbroken and so very very sad. I have also caught him in a web of lies that goes back for more than a year. Don’t know what to do!

  8. Yes, I believe cybersex is cheating! I recently found out my husband has been doing this behind my back for sometime now. I actually found a video of him doing this! My heart is broke and I feel so betrayed not to mention how low my self-esteem is now. Porn is one thing but when there is a real person on the other side of that computer is another. I am trying to forgive him but I am haunted by the images that I have seen.

  9. no comments like “I guess if there were” or “maybe if” This subject and this one alone. 1.If you have to ask then you already know the answer.
    2.Ones that leave it up where they know the significant other has caught them before wants to be caught again. If this relationship with the person over the computer and or the phone text knows they don’t want to get caught will understand. Even remind them to erase it after hanging up or shutting off the computer.
    If you are that unhappy in your marriage leave. There is no reason to cheat it only hurts to the point of anger and a lot of times there are more than just the couple involved. Like children.
    all of this kind of behavior followed by divorce seems to be a fashion statement more than a commitment.

  10. I’ve just caught husband out for the third time. Yep, third. I feel totally taken for a fool. He took advantage of our difficult situation, he was too lazy to work and we lived in different countries so I had to take care of paying for my own sponsorship, that meant I had to stay in my own country working and visit a couple of times a year. Everything came down to me, responsibility for everything. He used to get in messes all the time, he has a learning disability and other stuff, compulsive behaviours, spending etc and I would have to use the power of attorney to clear it all up, he used it like a free pass to do what the hell he liked. It makes me sick that I was working my butt off while he was on chat sites I had tried to block, this was on one that he was supposed to be using as support for his learning disability and ADHD, not open leg pics of bottom feeder chicks. While I was saving every penny he had all sorts of accounts open, itunes and stuff. He even screwed up buying our new home and future, $8k sent to him never got passed on to the lawyer so we couldn’t close. He kept covering it up and lying for 6 weeks before I found out tho. Lies, lies, lies. I’m totally ripped apart, I trusted him completely.
    In less than 6 months there are at least a dozen “heavy” friendships going on I found and three serious relationship types where he wanted to go meet up for sex and they were saying they loved each other etc. He uses his learning disability as an excuse, it’s so wrong. He knows he shouldn’t do this stuff, he does everything in top secret and humiliates me all the time. Then pleads with me, tells me he loves me, I’m his world etc then obviously goes straight back to them to jerk off. They know he’s married and isn’t 100% mentally but these women have no morals and disgust me. Mentally he is around 5 yrs old, I hope that makes them feel really good about themselves. The demands of being a long distance carer made me ill, I even had to stop work 6 months ago. He was creating so much havoc and always needed to know where I was and what I was doing…ironic huh. He would freak out if he couldn’t get hold of me for 10 mins, I spent 2 months being lied to about where he was living and chicks he was hanging out with. I could not have done more for him, it hurts so much to read what he was feeding people to get sympathy, attention and pervy pics. My wife doesn’t understand me…oh yes I *** DO understand you, buddy. THAT’S the problem.

  11. Further complicating my particular situation was that this person had a real life affair with a cyber sex web cam friend who is a man in drag. A hooker. Sex for hire butt slut. Such a delicate individual, the tranny hooker charged him for anal sex and though this ostensible person claimed to love me, he focused his attention on celebrity cheesecake photos which apparently helped to cloak his bi-curious/bi-sexual experimenting. He became very open to his yahoo IM contacts and became his own little crossdressing sensation, teasing women, gays, shemales and kooks of every stripe. Naturally the cause is based in his deep need for approval and his very sad global insecurity and lack of self esteem. He got a rush from the increasing sexual interaction to the point of basically going gay. It was a shocking thing to witness. I wasn’t clear about what was really happening until I managed to discover the yahoo conversation logs in his email account. Unbelievable. Sad. Horrifying. And the lies to cover his shameful behavior. And him blaming me for being jealous or paranoid was all a ruse. I was upset with cause but he tried to portray me as a psycho controlling bitch. And I was super nice to him because that’s the kind of person I am. I’m not a mean or vindictive person. When I saw all the times he had asked the gay hooker man in a dress for a date–a paid date, like $200/hour–I was in shock for two weeks. That was two months ago. And I’m still in shock.
    It was instructive. I know I will have a very tough time ever trusting anyone in future.
    I’m in Honolulu. I’m attractive and fit and filled with a joy of life. I’m busy with projects and activities. But this guy shut me down and shut me out which made me feel very bad and sad. Even a few things he did to me are hideous. But he actually caused even greater damage that is not relative to this topic. Suffice to say, cyber web cam sexual affairs will keep this man single. He sometimes plans to meet the cam friend in Waikiki if they plan to travel here. OMG. I have to go throw up now. Excuse me. :(
    Aloha everyone, maj

  12. Cyber sex chat and web cam masterbation is cheating when the people are intimate and sexually arousing each other. I know because like everyone has stated here your partner is basically seeing other people and treating you like a bothering jerk. So one guy said he loved me and moved in with me then went all wonky. I didn’t know wtf but I knew something was not good. He was an absolute horror to live with and be around, and like the others experienced, he blamed me. Well. So theres only one thing to do if I’m the problem and he wants to live in my place and be a jerk to me and that’s GTFO. Adios asshole. Have fun with your flat friends. And that’s where he is today and where he’ll stay. No more chances, he was the perfect textbook asshat. Jerk. Wotevs. Moving on.

  13. Yes it is cheating. Unless you have never been on the receiving end, you would never know how it feels.
    My wife after 20 years started the cybersex, web cams, chats, live Skype sessions, live Yahoo Sex, even one on one phone calls almost the entire evening. This is currently going on and she has no idea at this time that I know about it, through her emails, yahoo logs,etc. it all started on a site called “tagged”. I saw her profile when I googled her name. I was devastated. I have found out she has had cyber sex with at least 7 guys. I wondered why she no longer wanted me, was willing to talk with me, etc.. I have not approached her yet about it because as soon as I do she will change all her passwords and I will never be able to “build my file”. I really do not want a divorce but I am not sure she will be able to stop. She has cheated with me in real physical life 3 times before and I have forgiven her. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is so true and to the point. I think it is a sickness, a sin, and I feel like a piece of shit..
    I work long days in y business, make enough money so she can be a stay at home mom. Live in a $300k house, do all the cooking, cleaning and even hire out the yard work so she does not have to do anything but home school our daughter. I find out that was done half ass too. The problem I have is this all happens in the bedroom next door to my daughters room, and during the night between 3am and 6am. If it was me….she would have me arrested. It’s so unfair and it hurts like hell some of the hings I have read and the pictures and videos i have seen. Makes me sick to my stomach. I have buried my self in my work to get my mind off it.
    Anyhow….yes, it’s cheating 100% because she no longer cares about the family and or me. I mean nothing but a paycheck to her. No love, no compassion, no respect, no time for me anymore.

  14. My husband n I hav been married over a year n I have since caught him having cyber sex with dozens of different women time n time again. Every time I tell him I’m hurt he says his sorry n it doesnt mean anything he jut gets carried away n that it doesn’t matter Bcoj he has had no physical contact with any of them. One of the messages are very intimate he doesn’t even talk to me like that and I would love he attention if he poke o me by text like that! I hav caught him again 4th since our marriage again he is the same he turns it round on me apparently I need to chill out! I would do anything for him n never even think bout cheating on him I’m happy with what I have with him but maybe he’s clearly not happy with me??? He plays the victim n says I lead him to it I can’t nderstand that as I wld sexually try n please him much as I can. He doesn’t work n just goes out with his friends all he time hardly spends time with me wen were together he either falls asleep or spend hours on the net. He said he is sorry n he won’t o it again as I mean he world to him so y would he risk it in the first place? I feel like a doormat I’m oo hurt but just don’t know what I hold do I’m under thirty surely I should b in a blossoming relationship with clear future plans building a family yet I have to put with this.. What shod I do leave him n find a real man??? Help guys

  15. There are no hard and fast answers. If your spouse thinks it is cheating, then it is cheating. On the other hand in some relationships sex with multiple partners is not cheating because it is done with consent from the partner. Since there is no god to impose arbitrary rules on your relationship nobody but your partner and you set the boundaries.

  16. Yes, it IS cheating. My wife has had at least five guys as internet lovers, that I know of. I should know, I had access to her emails before she changed her password. I asked her things that I already knew the answers to. She lied EVERY single time.

    We met online. I sold my home, moved to another country, left my teenage children behind with their mum; we were already divorced for years by then. I used the proceeds from the sale of my home to by everything, furniture, car, pay the bills, etc. Then I found the emails. Broke my heart.

  17. I think cybersex is an affair. my husband was a nice person the first year we married. i discovered bags of porn tapes, binocular, camcorders,a photograpy camera and all kinds of chat rooms, and porn on his computer. At first he laughed it off, now he tells me to get out of the room and give him space when he’s talking to women on line and also i think he has an account to chat with them. he has no sexual interest in me at all, he blames me of cours. He started acting secretive a year after we were married. He’s been acting even worse after the first year. He’s out of control. when i look to see what he’s doing, sometimes it’s porn, but i think he’s really got something going on with someone or more than one person. He always talks low, when he’s on his cell phone and sometimes he runs down the street when he’s talking on the phone. He also ran down the road with to plastic bags of stuff. I didn’t know what he had in the bags, but he hid them in the woods right in front of our house, by the road. When he first started acting strange, i took it as joking around, but it’s gotten really bad, and sometimes i think his family knows what he’s up to, but he turns it on me and tells them i’m jealous. What a piece of work. He’s always hiding video tapes, bought from stores and homemade ones. I ehink he still has his he had when we were dating and gets swinger tapes and pictures sent to him through the mail. Our sex life is non existing, and I am really falling out of love fast. He calls me nosey and we argue all the time. I’m miserable and he said he’ll give me a divorce, but i can go live with my parents until a year is up and then he would give me some money and a divorce. He hasn’t been very trustworthy for a while, and i have a son and daughter in law that will have no where to go if we leave. his mother passed away l yrs. ago. We live in her doublewide. I let my son and daughter in law take over our trailer behind us. All the land that we are on is tied up right now in a battle against all 4 kids fighting over the will. It’s a mess and i have no money to start a new ly ife. he is totally addicted to the computer when he’s home and no telling what he does when he’s gone. I never believe what he says anymore. he left at 4pm yeasterday to go to his sisters, and got home at l:49am. He said he was with 4 other guys and two of their girlfriends were there. He never takes me with him. If he does, we run out of gas or the truck breaks down and i end up sitting on the side of the road for hours. This life sucks. I have no money and no car of my own. We live out in the country about 4-5 miles from anywhere, so getting a job will be in possible. My hands are tied and i wish i had answers. He doesn’t want to be with me at all. I can tell. What can I do to fix this mess. whether we stay together or not, I need answers on how to fix this situation. I’ll greatly appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Thank you, loveracat

  18. It is a difficult question, yet there is no easy answer for me. Cybering is a form of entertainment that can be considered no different than an interactive story. Is reading erotica cheating? Watching porn? Looking at hustler/playboy? How is cybering any different? It is a way to express sexual interests, activities and kinks in a ‘safe’ environment. If you aren’t sure if you would enjoy doing X Y or Z, Roleplaying through the encounters may be very enlightening; You learn more about yourself without having the walls and limits put up around you to worry about that you might scare away your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.

    The real reason is WHY you are cybering. My partner says it is cheating. On the other hand she doesn’t want sex except maybe once a month while i need it daily. Would she rather i not do cybering and physically find a partner? Put out ads? Seek the intimate companionship she doesn’t give out?

    With roleplaying you can mentally separate yourself from your ‘character’. It can be realistic, or totally unrealistic. There is a certain level of emotional attachment, especially with anyone you enjoy interacting out with regularly; It’s ingrained into us. However being forced into a box, or being unable to express or experience or enjoy some type of interaction that you can’t get from your partner will eventually lead to separation; and don’t they dare ask you ‘why?’ when you’ve told them over the years why and they try to keep holding onto you with tears guilt trips and controlling mannerisms.

    It doesn’t matter if you consider it cheating or not. If you are getting what you need from your partner, then you won’t have to go to it, simple as that as repressing your sexual needs and altering your personality for their own expectations is not the answer, not by a long shot.

  19. Yes it is cheating,I will forgive him,but he should be honest,if he is continuing god will answer…..

  20. YES!! THoughts can be a powerful thing and can do alot of damage between a couple. I had a girl who choose a guy from texas over me and chose to speak to him about our issues and all that happened was that they were putting me down. the both of them. I didnt think much at first but that was a mistake I should of took action right away. She just uses webcam with this guy and masturbates on her dildo. One night I noticed she was chatting with him. I had to sleep for work the next day. I asked her to put the computer away or else I wasnt gonna stay in bed. She broke it off then. I was sad and shocked when it all happened. It feels like my feelings dont matter anymore. I’m sure someone will cut me up someway to make themselves look good. Oh well. The world is filled with assholes and sleazeballs !

  21. Yes and no. It is cheating because your are giving your emtions to someone else when you should be giving it to your partner. However, I don’t think it is “really” cheating bc my defintion of cheating is acually having physical contact with someone. It may still hurt but for me if I found out my partner was cheating online I would be able to get over it faster and be more willing to forgive them.

  22. Yes and No. for the 1st time I just engaged a sexual chat online with an old friend. I’m engaged have been for a year and been in this relationship for 3years now. I’m 26 and I want to take things slow.

    The last relationship I was in was with a abusive alcholic who broke me down. He was very sexually perverted and abusive so it fucked me up a little. I lost my Power. I’m angry.

    Anyways I have been bringing the past into this great relationship. I think Online Role Playing I can make myself out to be a strong and sexually domateing Woman or man if I wanted. So I ‘m taking that anger out on my current Love who dosnt desserve it. There are Web sites, Pc Video games, Online Role playing Video games, and so on where people can act out there fantasies(I don’t agree with all fantasies) and it is OK. Cheating is Physical body fluids being transferred, or emotional cheating is attachment(love or even making plans to see each other).

    Like anything else there’s a line that cant be crossed. Some say fake rape porn is crossing that line others say only if it isn’t fake. So role playing all depends on the person and type of relationship.

    There is no real one answer and if your REALLY WORRIED THEN JUST ASK YOUR PARTNER. I think theres no Wrong done and if your in a mature relationship a solution will be found.

    I’m sure my partner would say ” I get that you can do things you wouldnt want to do to me or physically cant online(just like anime Porns) but I’d prefer it if it werent with someone you know or dated.”

  23. It is and it is different than looking at porn or reading a novel. This is a real person you’re dealing with in real time who would be physical with you if you met in person. Porn stars and fictional novel characters won’t do that. Real people will.

  24. Yes its cheating because as the partner in a relationship where the relationship is dying my partner is to busy with other men to bother with me even more.
    It’s all the little smiles and the furious typing. Then when I try to talk she is just not interested. I have decided this cannot carry on and she will have 2 choices soon.

  25. my husband and i live in different cities, and i see him for a week every month. but we have a healthy relationship.
    6 months ago i found out that he has been having sex chats with a woman who believes the sweet talks he said to her. he backed off scared, and she sent me an email of all their sex chats, where it was definitely sexual. we talked about this and made up.
    But then about a month ago, another cyber woman came along. A crazier woman. I did have a feeling that there was something wrong, because he was being distant. Not picking up my calls, and when he does, he acts like i was annoying him. I see him appearing online at weird times like 3 AM which is unlike him (i’m an insomniac, but he never was because he works a 9to5). Anyway, a few weeks later i received a shocking email from this woman, claiming to be my hubby’s true love. She told me she was the one he wants to be with, but he doesnt have the heart to tell me, so she’s telling me. She said i should leave him and not get in their way. She also described the things my husband says to her… yes, they had sex chat but it was definitely more then sex too… She knows his fave food, his fave band, she knows his routine, his friend’s name, and even knows about some marital problems we have that only he and I know. They say ‘I love you’ to each other, and she claims he’s happier chatting w her then he ever was married to me.
    My husband claimed it was nothing, he never touched her, so its not cheating. It sure doesnt feel that way to me. Since that day, he has stopped chatting with her, but she keeps terrorizing me with emails and messages of hurtful insults. “You’re too fat and ugly to be with him”… “He’s unhappy with you…” bla bla bla everyday.

    My relationship with my husband havent been the same since. I lost my respect, trust, and the friendship we used to have. Knowing that he would disclose very private stuff about me, and say intimate things to this woman pains me.

    So yes… i think cyber sex is cheating

  26. i e-mailed an ex whilst my girlfriend was at work and i was not working, i have been doing this for 7 years on and off and have been with my girlfriend for 2 years, she found out and was horrified, i dont understand why, because it was only by e-mail and the woman in question meant nothing to me but i enjoyed the sexy pics she sent and enjoyed the e-mails, she was simply easy and available and i took advangage of it, i was not working and bored, my relationship with my current girlfriend is not good and i know she is hurt, i told her i wont do it again but she doesnt believe me, the woman in question forwarded the e-mails between us to my girlfriend and there was sexual content which was painful for her, my girlfriend wants to leave me. do i deserve all this ?

  27. YES – I have just found out that my partner of 10 years has spent an inordinate amount of time online looking for cybersex/hookups…. I feel so utterly betrayed right now. He swears he was just ‘caught up’ and nothing would have happened, but right now, I can’t believe him. I am sure that he has not actually met any woman – but who’s to say he won’t try again in future…. think carefully before even ‘looking’

  28. Currently going through this myself, yes absolutely, if you are hiding it from your partner, it is cheating all the way. Cyber sex also changes the persons personality, and causes some major mental issues, I think the world is in for some major problems due to the internet.

  29. When your wife has cyber sex, or talks to guys without your knowing about it, then it is devastating. Nothing could be worse.

  30. my husband started relationships on the game farkle from facebook it went on for a year before I found out. He spent hours at work and all hours of the night. He says he has done nothing wrong, but will not give it up.I read many many pages of flirting and sexual fantasies. Its only been 2 months and he thinks I have a problem because I cannot forget about it. It has led to physical abuse. My next step is my appointment with my attorney.It really hurts and the trust level is gone.All this after 23 yrs of marriage!!!!

  31. I’ll just stay by saying Yes its cheating. If your partner doesn’t know its going on. Having been the other man in a cyber relationship for the past 3 years I can clearly say its cheating. Spending an exorbitant amount of time talking to your online partner being emotionally attracted is just like a real relationship. Anyone who says its not cheating has never had it happen to them. Its heart wrenching, painful and agonizing. You feel betrayed and the trust you once had is no longer there. The statement that its just a game and it means nothing I’m just having fun doesn’t work. It will eventually bleed over into RL. With picture, talk about meeting in RL ect. If your spouse/partner is spending more talking to there online “friends” then they do you then something is wrong. In my opinion if two members of the opposite sex sent to much time together things will start to progress farther then just friends. I was just friends with the woman I talked to for 3-4 months before things progressed beyond friends and as time went on we began to fall in love. We both knew it was wrong, but after so long it just felt natural. She was spending 12+ hours a day talking to me. How could you not call something like that cheating? Only thing I could say to those that have been hurt by this is find solace in the fact they will most likely do it again and its not you. Cheaters gonna cheat internet just makes it easier. Another piece of advice would be if your wife or husband spends to much time online ask to do it with them wither its a chat room or in a game. Communication is key.

  32. My husband of 15 years started spending several hours a day on second life about 2 years ago. I hated the time he spent away from myself and his children. He is a popular second life dj. hearing him show love to his sl wife and kids is hurtful. Where is the love for us? He say’s it is just a game. I beleived this until I caught him in a hotel room in real life with a women he met and fell in love with in second life. Shortly after he asked me for a divorce. I can tell this game makes him happy. The new life he has built is selfish and irresponsible. My children and I are devastated over this addiction to second life.

  33. It is cheating, It happened to me in 2008, when I found my husband in SL he took money out of YOUR account to build a home for himself and his new girlfriend, (we have been married for 26 years) He told me it was just a game until I found out he even asked her to marry him, I blew up, I also have no trust. I could write a page on how it made me feel and how it still makes me feel. I even found a email between the to of them, her telling him she loves him in RL (real life)and him telling her he was sorry that SL has spilled onto RL. It’
    s not been easy on either of us. This email is with me ever day. So for me this is cheating

  34. From your opening post:

    “As one cheated-on spouse, whose wife was having sex online with other men in Everquest explained, “She was so sexual and available to several guys online while she put me on the shelf. At one point, she had even told me that I would get more intimacy if I would stop objecting to the guys online. She had also said that if I wanted more attention from her, I should take some lessons from the online guys… It was bad.””

    As a man whose been engaging in cyber-sexual relationships for almost two decades I can tell you I find the above comment ludicrous.

    There is no ‘one size fits all’ cyber-sexual relationship. Any stereotypes used to reference them are just that – stereotypes – aka BS.

    The women I have met, befriended and engaged with online have all been beneficiaries of the experience. Read that: They GAINED from the interaction. In many cases their spouses did too.

    Far too many marriages out there have gone stale over time. Or one or the other of the spouses are inexperienced and not able to meet their partners needs. Where better to garner sexual experience than in a ‘safe-sex’ relationship with someone they will most likely never meet in real life?

    Women who are shy and inhibited IRL can be lascivious and bold in a cyber-sex relationship. They can explore their sexuality and learn to open up and come to accept their sexual selves and their sexual appetite as being normal and healthy.

    Husbands who discover their wives are engaged in online sex will indeed have their territorial sensitivities provoked. It’s rarely palatable to discover that your wife is engaged in erotic sexual fantasy role-playing with another partner.

    The fact that the role-playing can become addictive presents another challenge that can be difficult to overcome.

    But… in my personal experience the vast majority of online relationships eventually run their course. Marriages need not end over them. In fact they can and often do make a marriage stronger when the offended partner recovers enough to realize that no strange male has physically penetrated his wife.

    What HAS been penetrated is her imagination and her sense of her sexual self – including the many pleasures that can be had when inhibitions are released.

    The poor slob who made the comment in that quote listed above is clearly a man who thinks his inexperienced wife was better off remaining that way – and that somehow his devotion to monogamy would eventually and miraculously bring him the skills he required to attend to her needs.

    In either case where monogamy is the preferred practice and no outside sexual experience is allowed to enter the picture? Without some form of safe sexual fantasy such as the kind afforded by a healthy and caring online cyber-sex relationship?

    It ain’t gonna happen.

  35. AKISSNWINK from, formerly Nascentlove2008 – is addicted to online/cyber sex, in addition to being on countless Dating/Porn Sites where he finds women to scam. Tells his woman of the moment he is nocturnal just checking ‘news’ reading ‘articles’ till he gets tired RIGHT. . .

  36. SL Dude: this is all good and well, but you don’t get the point: the problem is sneaking behind your partners back. You have a consesus, and if we had talked over such, then we may have come to a similar arrangement. But as it played out, it was on the sneak, it was lying, cheating and denying. That on top of previous moralizing and exhorting me to never do anything like that, then I find out that this is just what she was doing!

  37. I just think people need to grow up. My Spouse and I play Secondlife like a game.

    We are both partnered with other avatars and are aware of what goes on with our secondlives. We have set a groundwork of rules that are not to be violated with no exceptions that prevent us to shared personal information such as: email, phone numbers, address or any other online accounts like Myspace,Facebook or Twitter. All communication must stay within secondlife. Also, we are friends with each others partner and travel the secondlife grid going dancing etc. Ofcourse, Part of partnership there will be the RP (roleplay) of love making. You should not be playing Secondlife or any other virtual app If you get emotions over an avatar. It’s a game…grow up. Not real. Also, You have to realize the other person you talk with will tell you what you want to hear.

    P.S. This is coming from a couple who is married in Real life for over 18+ years.

  38. If emotions are involved it’s cheating. If you are exchanging pics and gifts it’s cheating. If there is a webcam, it’s cheating. If it leads to talking on the phone or meeting it’s cheating. But what if you don’t know the persons age, where they live, what they look like, but your just typing words? What if you have no plans to take in any further than words and these fantasy sessions do not interfere with your life in any way? Yes, it can be addictive, like porn, or any addction, but if it’s not addictive, is it cheating? I don’t think so. it’s just a fantasy. Yes there is a real person on the other end, but there’s no real connection. You each make up a fantasy about your age, your appearance, and you go to a beach in your imagination and have some pleasure. It’s like porn, but it’s controlled and interactive, so better than porn in some ways. You have no physical image of the person to focus on, but the imagination is powerful. And since it’s all imaginary, how can it be cheating?

  39. I too just found out my husband was cybering. He called it just a game. He lied about it too. I flat out asked him if he was cybering with this woman two weeks ago. He replied no. Found out different last night. He feels that it meant nothing and was no big deal. It does mean something. Like all the others who have had this happen to them, it makes you feel worthless, betrayed and heart broken. So yes, cyber sex is cheating.

  40. I had just recently found out my wife is having cyber sex with a guy on myspace. She is texting on blackberry with him and uses her laptop at work to get on line. This has been going on for nearly one month, the extent of it is around 16 pages of subject lines in her myspace inbox by one and the same guy. Yes, I snooped. She doesn’t know yet that I have the details – it just tears me apart!
    The content is most detailed and steamy – and it is not because I won’t give her what she needs! Right after having sex with me, she gets it on with this guy! Right after exchanging e-mails (while she is at work) she is on line with him! My gut is just churning and heaving, my head is spinning and I have no idea what I do next. WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
    I feel like running out into the arctic cold right now and let myself freeze to death!

  41. Ms Hurt, I feel for you as my husband keeps going online searching. I honestly believe it is an addiction and as yet I have not found him “online” with the same person, he is just having fun (as he puts it). Well he is having fun with real people and real people have feelings and can get hurt. The online group of ladies looking for “love” is enormous and they believe they can fine it. But when they run into someone like my husband who pretends he is not married but is just having fun well they will get hurt. Then there is the possibility that he will find someone he like better than me. You were wise to leave him and go on with your life as there are other fish in the sea!

  42. I just found out my bf has been having cyber sex w/ his ex who is married. I understand that there is history between them and I never denied their relationship. He told me they cut all ties and communication months ago but I found out that he was still emailing her all these past months. He rejects me when I want sex. We only had sex 3 times and all times I initiated it. He asks her to visit him while he goes away for work. I live with him, WAS living with him and now I understand why the relationship couldn’t move forward. Sure, I caught him emailing her one day months ago when I came home from work, I let it go. I thought it was just a “keep in touch” kind of a thing. But it wasn’t that kind of an email. When he is saying to meet me, can’t wait to see you when you come home for Christmas, it was cold tonight and I had no one waiting in bed for me…what I was to feel? What am I chump change?!?! He tells me she is married and she is not going to leave her husband. It’s just his addiction. I just don’t know. He told me they stopped all communication. To top if off, this girl has caused a lot of grief to him in the past. I cannot understand how he continues to live in a fantasy after she continually hurt in the past, when he had me in reality, right there by him everyday. I moved my stuff out and now, he says “I’m the bad one.” After having that “no good” feeling inside, I now know why. He is still emotionally attached to her.

  43. When you enter into a marriage, it is you and another person promising to stay faithful and be with just you for the rest of your life. The breakdown of marriage is the reason behind so many troubled children today, since sex is regarded as just a physical deed to feel good. Cyber sex is no different. As a victim of the cybering spouse, I can vouch that it makes the other person feel worthless, violated, and it turns into an emotional rollercoaster. If you are not OK being in a monogamous, respectful, trusting relationship, then why would you get married? There is a major difference between porn and cybersex…porn is just watched and has no attachment. When cybering you control the situation to go where you want it to go, which is personal. With the breakdown of marriage comes the breakdown of society.

  44. I believe it is the same as porn, so its a bit more personalized…as long as their is no emotional attachment, then what is the difference between watching a porn and getting off, or cybering to get off? If it starts to interfear with your marraige than, yes, it can be a problem, but if it doesnt…its just words, its just fantasy…just like a porn…

  45. Yes, I do believe that cyber sex is cheating if married especially when you are doing it with the same person all the time. I would rather accept a one night stand or cyber sex with a random person than with a constant one. Like most comments before, emotional attachments is harder to resist than physical, for the latter, one can just take a shower and be done with it-body heat.

  46. I’m not married or in a relationship at the moment, but the only real difference between cybersex and “real” sex is physical presence — so YES, it is cheating.

  47. Yes I do believe having cyber sex is cheating in fact I left my wife for it I condemn anybody who does this stuff it hurts terribly I found out this was going on before I got married and I found the emails and instants messages I found one on july 1 and I got married june 28 of last year! Needless to say my marriage only lasted about three months if that

  48. Actually I met my husband on an internet sex site and we “did” each other online. Now let me say this – because we are in different countries we have had to be seperated for a small part of the time and I have found that he did continue to have internet sex online after we were married and as a matter of fact so did I. Once we are together permanately then all cybersex will cease for both of us. I could consider this cheating as it does involve an emotional attachment. My husband deleted all his online contacts except for one who he has told me about and they no longer have cypersex she knows about us and that we are married I know this because I saw the chat between them. My internet connection and I have continued to have internet sex during my seperation and he also knows I got married and he knows it will cease when my husband and I are togeter even though I have become emotionally attacted to this person I do want to give all my energy to my husband and not someone online. So for the future if ether one of us becomes reinvolved with our internet connections or make new ones then YES it will be considered cheating! This is something that needs to be addressed with your spouses and talked about, come to an agreement with each other if it is consenual then it can be monitored by each other. Communication is the key – if you both “get off” on this then go for it as it might enhance your own sex life – I do NOT consider it cheating if you both are in agreement. So there are two side to this internet sex thing…it can go either way as long as it does not take away from your own sexual satisfaction with your partner.

  49. Having an online affair CAN be more damaging than a one night stand. I say this because if you have a one night stand, it happends and it is done. An online affair that lasts for a while, a month, two months or longer is far more damaging to the relationship. As time progresses in that type of relationship, your spouse will open up more and more and will eventually lead to real life phone calls, picture swapping, sending of gifts and ultimatly, the meet-up.

    This happened to me when I went away for three months last summer. My wife was talking to a guy online for about 18 hours a day, flirting, turned into having all out sex in chat and in Second Life. They called each other swapped pictures and talked about meeting up. It was so bad when I returned home and found out about it, my wife would be on her laptop and when I came near her, she would close the laptop down. It is password protected too so I had no idea what she was saying and doing.

    Anyone who thinks online affaris are not cheating, has not had it happen to them. I would have much rather my wife had a one night stand and been done with it. But now, all I can think about is how she could spend so much time with the guy online talking about practically nothing but sex and wanting to meet up in real life all the while she was totally repulsed by me.

  50. where is the harm,huh? when he obviously aint don juan himself,able 2 satisfy any n every woman someone is gonna anticlimax while waitin 4 his attention to return.well he aint superman either so u pay 4 the ‘fun’ w unfufilled needs. his ‘innosent game’ leaves u w/o 4 real. who’s gettin it? would u, if not u?

  51. It’s happening to me right now! I feel hurt, mad and abused. I just had one of my breast removed and all of a sudden my 36-years of devotion to him does not matter. The new cyber woman is all he cares about. Exchanges pictures, gifts, email cards every day it does not stop. I even e-mailed her to leave him alone but she doesn’t care either she enjoys the cyber sex with him & will not give him up
    I told him to stop but he says he is doing nothing wrong Well it makes me sick he should be there for me like I have been there for him all these years.

  52. How many people are still with the first person they had a long term relationship with? My guess is next to zero.
    Does the number really change if you group the people by poly vs mono, straight vs bi vs homo, christian vs any/all other religions vs no religion, or any other grouping? I doubt it.

    And while I agree with Russell that there is a difference between “cyber love” and “cyber sex”, I view cyber sex (with someone your not in love with) to be on par with masturbation, meaning pretty much harmless if it is not interfering with the real life relationship.
    Look at it this way, if one person is not able to see their partner(s) for an extended period of time, and chooses to find a little sexual relief by having cyber sex with some random stranger in a chat room, who is harmed? Is it in any way different then running the same scene through their brain while picturing the hottie they saw walking down the street? For all they know they are chatting with a ‘bot.

  53. You are smashing 2 issues into one questions. What you are describing at length is what I think should be termed “cyber love”. Cyber sex to me is what you originally described, 2 people talking about and describing sexual fantasies and actions to another. Cyber love would be cheating and a clear indication that the marriage is over. Cyber sex is another form of pr0n and indicates that there are problems in the marriage. That means your survey is misleading in many ways. IMHO:-)

  54. Not surprisingly, I’m with Amy on this one. Not only has monogamy “never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce,” as Amy points out, but statistically, more monogamous marriages fail than succeed. So I disagree that the comparison between smoking as risky behavior and practicing nonmonogamy as risky behavior is accurate. The risky behavior here is being in a relationship at all–any committed relationship requires a high level of honesty, constant work and emotional commitment, no matter what the configuration. Let that go, and yes, your partner, whether monogamous or poly, will probably drift away and find someone else as the miscommunications between you mount.

  55. One of the vote choices raises an interesting question:
    “Is having cyber sex (online sex) cheating on your spouse or mate?”
    “Not if they know and are ok with it.”

    Is *any* kind of sex outside of marriage really “cheating” if your spouse “knows about it and is OK with it”? The phrasing of the question implies that this is something particular to cybersex. But I voted for that choice because I don’t see how anything could be considered “cheating” if your spouse lets you :)

  56. Derek, I respect you as well.

    Please consider that there are people who thrive within consensual,honest nonmonogamous relationships. Therefore, comparing this legitimate preference to a disease (or to a disease-causing agent) is at least problematic, and at worst offensive.

    Any relationship choice that is outside the social norm faces a lot of pressures that conventional relationships do not. In my experience, people who do conform to social norms in their relationships tend to underestimate those pressures — and thus perpetuate them.

    Also, monogamy has never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce. Although it’s held up by our society as the ideal, in practice it often fails to deliver or satisfy. In fact, a good argument can be made that making monogamy the societal default for committed intimate relationships is a recipe for dishonesty, broken homes, and rampant dissatisfaction.

    It all depends on how you look at it. And that’s my point: there are very different and valid ways to look at the issue of monogamy. The wording of this poll and its lengthy setup does not appear to recognize that.

    – Amy Gahran

  57. While I agree that not all marriages are or should be monogamous, I also think it’s kind of like smoking and cancer.

    Here’s what I mean: smoking often causes cancer and heart disease, but not everyone who smokes will get one of those diseases.

    Similarly, open marriages (real or virtual) are possible, but in most cases they end up in divorce because one spouse becomes a little too attached to a third partner.

    So, just like it’s usually a bad idea to smoke because of the risks associated with it, I believe it’s generally a bad idea to introduce swinging to the marriage.

    Doesn’t mean swinging (or in this case cybersex) is bad per se, just risky to the overall health of the marriage.

  58. I’ve told you this privately, but I’m really disappointed that you decided to run this poll.

    I cringe when I see polls like that, because of the assumptions they imply. First of all, that all marriages are necessarily monogamous (many aren’t, by mutual agreement and consent); that anything other than absolute monogamy is “cheating” (a very loaded word); and that the only committed relationships that “count” are marriages.

    Also, you really go to far with this: “ask just about anyone which bothers them more – the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse.”

    Actually for many people (especially those of us who are polyamorous), that statement is completely false. Wording it the way you did only serves to further marginalize people who prefer, and thrive in, consensual, committed relationships that don’t match the social norm.

    Given the loaded setup you gave this poll, I really don’t think tacking on the answer options “Not if they know and are ok with it” and
    “Maybe, it depends on the situation” do much to offset the way your setup feeds stereotypes and bigotry toward nonconventional relationships. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it needed to be said.


    – Amy Gahran

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