Is Having Cyber Sex Cheating if You are Married? 1/14/2008 - 2,279 views, 10 Comments
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Cyber sex - having online sex talk where you describe in detail what you are doing to each other - has been around as long as the Internet itself. It used to be ‘just’ talk - sending steamy text in chat rooms or talk programs. But with the advent of virtual worlds like Second Life, it’s a lot more than ‘just’ talk. And even if it is just talk - if you are married, is having cybersex the same as cheating on your wife or husband? We say “yes” and you get to answer the question too, with our survey at the end! Let me qualify our position on this by saying that in addition to our involvement now with all things Internet related, and Internet policy, we have been involved with the online relationship question since before most people were on the Internet. I myself have been the moderator for online relationship forums starting back with PeopleLink and Qlink (systems into which you had to dial in, before there was ubiquitous Internet), and even back then, the question came up quite regularly. Here’s the thing: ask just about anyone which bothers them more - the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse. Many can forgive, for example, a one night stand sort of fling, where it’s just meaningless sex, but few can as easily brush off an emotional involvement with another woman or man. Emotional involvements take more than time away from the marriage; emotional involvements take attention away from the marriage. Instead of focusing on working on the marriage, the spouse who is emotionally involved with someone else finds their feelings and attention focused on the person with whom they are having the affair. While they may still be at home physically, they have emotionally checked out of the marriage. And this is just as true for a cyber affair as it is for an in-person affair. People who have online affairs imagine themselves in love with people they have never met in person. They spend hours talking to them online, they exchange pictures, they send flowers and gifts. They even leave their spouse for people they have never yet met. So yes, in our opinion, no matter how much one may wish to delude themselves otherwise, having cyber sex is just as much cheating on your mate as if you did the deed in person. As one cheated-on spouse, whose wife was having sex online with other men in Everquest explained, “She was so sexual and available to several guys online while she put me on the shelf. At one point, she had even told me that I would get more intimacy if I would stop objecting to the guys online. She had also said that if I wanted more attention from her, I should take some lessons from the online guys… It was bad.” But let’s hear from you! What do you think? Is having cyber sex cheating? Take our survey!
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I’ve told you this privately, but I’m really disappointed that you decided to run this poll.
I cringe when I see polls like that, because of the assumptions they imply. First of all, that all marriages are necessarily monogamous (many aren’t, by mutual agreement and consent); that anything other than absolute monogamy is “cheating” (a very loaded word); and that the only committed relationships that “count” are marriages.
Also, you really go to far with this: “ask just about anyone which bothers them more - the idea of their spouse or mate being physical with someone, or the idea of their spouse or mate becoming emotionally involved with someone, and the vast majority of them will say that the latter is far worse.”
Actually for many people (especially those of us who are polyamorous), that statement is completely false. Wording it the way you did only serves to further marginalize people who prefer, and thrive in, consensual, committed relationships that don’t match the social norm.
Given the loaded setup you gave this poll, I really don’t think tacking on the answer options “Not if they know and are ok with it” and
“Maybe, it depends on the situation” do much to offset the way your setup feeds stereotypes and bigotry toward nonconventional relationships. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but it needed to be said.
Respectfully,
- Amy Gahran
Comment by Amy Gahran — 1/14/2008 @ 7:55 am
While I agree that not all marriages are or should be monogamous, I also think it’s kind of like smoking and cancer.
Here’s what I mean: smoking often causes cancer and heart disease, but not everyone who smokes will get one of those diseases.
Similarly, open marriages (real or virtual) are possible, but in most cases they end up in divorce because one spouse becomes a little too attached to a third partner.
So, just like it’s usually a bad idea to smoke because of the risks associated with it, I believe it’s generally a bad idea to introduce swinging to the marriage.
Doesn’t mean swinging (or in this case cybersex) is bad per se, just risky to the overall health of the marriage.
Comment by Derek Scruggs — 1/14/2008 @ 10:20 am
Derek, I respect you as well.
Please consider that there are people who thrive within consensual,honest nonmonogamous relationships. Therefore, comparing this legitimate preference to a disease (or to a disease-causing agent) is at least problematic, and at worst offensive.
Any relationship choice that is outside the social norm faces a lot of pressures that conventional relationships do not. In my experience, people who do conform to social norms in their relationships tend to underestimate those pressures — and thus perpetuate them.
Also, monogamy has never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce. Although it’s held up by our society as the ideal, in practice it often fails to deliver or satisfy. In fact, a good argument can be made that making monogamy the societal default for committed intimate relationships is a recipe for dishonesty, broken homes, and rampant dissatisfaction.
It all depends on how you look at it. And that’s my point: there are very different and valid ways to look at the issue of monogamy. The wording of this poll and its lengthy setup does not appear to recognize that.
- Amy Gahran
Comment by Amy Gahran — 1/14/2008 @ 11:12 am
One of the vote choices raises an interesting question:
“Is having cyber sex (online sex) cheating on your spouse or mate?”
“Not if they know and are ok with it.”
Is *any* kind of sex outside of marriage really “cheating” if your spouse “knows about it and is OK with it”? The phrasing of the question implies that this is something particular to cybersex. But I voted for that choice because I don’t see how anything could be considered “cheating” if your spouse lets you :)
Comment by Bennett Haselton — 1/14/2008 @ 12:05 pm
Not surprisingly, I’m with Amy on this one. Not only has monogamy “never proven to be a successful safeguard against jealousy or divorce,” as Amy points out, but statistically, more monogamous marriages fail than succeed. So I disagree that the comparison between smoking as risky behavior and practicing nonmonogamy as risky behavior is accurate. The risky behavior here is being in a relationship at all–any committed relationship requires a high level of honesty, constant work and emotional commitment, no matter what the configuration. Let that go, and yes, your partner, whether monogamous or poly, will probably drift away and find someone else as the miscommunications between you mount.
Comment by Minx — 1/15/2008 @ 6:48 am
You are smashing 2 issues into one questions. What you are describing at length is what I think should be termed “cyber love”. Cyber sex to me is what you originally described, 2 people talking about and describing sexual fantasies and actions to another. Cyber love would be cheating and a clear indication that the marriage is over. Cyber sex is another form of pr0n and indicates that there are problems in the marriage. That means your survey is misleading in many ways. IMHO:-)
Comment by Russell — 1/15/2008 @ 4:36 pm
How many people are still with the first person they had a long term relationship with? My guess is next to zero.
Does the number really change if you group the people by poly vs mono, straight vs bi vs homo, christian vs any/all other religions vs no religion, or any other grouping? I doubt it.
And while I agree with Russell that there is a difference between “cyber love” and “cyber sex”, I view cyber sex (with someone your not in love with) to be on par with masturbation, meaning pretty much harmless if it is not interfering with the real life relationship.
Look at it this way, if one person is not able to see their partner(s) for an extended period of time, and chooses to find a little sexual relief by having cyber sex with some random stranger in a chat room, who is harmed? Is it in any way different then running the same scene through their brain while picturing the hottie they saw walking down the street? For all they know they are chatting with a ‘bot.
Comment by Ken Girard — 1/21/2008 @ 5:08 pm
It’s happening to me right now! I feel hurt, mad and abused. I just had one of my breast removed and all of a sudden my 36-years of devotion to him does not matter. The new cyber woman is all he cares about. Exchanges pictures, gifts, email cards every day it does not stop. I even e-mailed her to leave him alone but she doesn’t care either she enjoys the cyber sex with him & will not give him up
I told him to stop but he says he is doing nothing wrong Well it makes me sick he should be there for me like I have been there for him all these years.
Comment by CAROL — 2/6/2008 @ 5:53 pm
where is the harm,huh? when he obviously aint don juan himself,able 2 satisfy any n every woman someone is gonna anticlimax while waitin 4 his attention to return.well he aint superman either so u pay 4 the ‘fun’ w unfufilled needs. his ‘innosent game’ leaves u w/o 4 real. who’s gettin it? would u, if not u?
Comment by queenofthedamned — 2/26/2008 @ 11:43 am
take it,that is?
Comment by queenofthedamned — 2/26/2008 @ 11:59 am